Free As A Turd Bob Rivers

Please, Don't put out this turd. It's a piece of crap to me Can hardly hear the words... Whatever happened to, The rights to Love me Do? We made Michael Jackson one rich mother.

Beat Up Old Jetliner Bob Rivers

As that ground crew pushes us backwards On that rickety L-1011, I'm feeling around for that flotation device, And when the safety film is shown, I'm payin' close attention.

Foreigners Bob Rivers

We sneak across your border lines, To stand in unemployment lines, We chip in to buy a car, Drive back home to get some more Foreigners...

Flu Ride Bob Rivers

Just hear those noses snifflin' Sore throats ticklin' too Come on it's lousy weather To be sufferin' inside with the flu Outside the snow is fallin' Your fever's at 102 Let's take some Alka-Seltzer And a

The Angel Bob Rivers

The angel rides with hunch-backed children, poison oozing from his engine Wieldin' love as a lethal weapon, on his way to hubcap heaven Baseball cards poked in his spokes, his boots in oil he's patiently

How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers

I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me. Let me get a tube of ointment Let's rub my achy joints, And turn my hearing aid loud, And throw Depends into the crowd.

Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers

“Dance of the Plumber Fairy” See the repair man go Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink Working on the sink (Bending way down low) See the big tool belt go Slippy-slip, slippy-slip, slippy-slip Sliding

I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer Bob Rivers

I came upon a roadkill deer A sorrowful sight to behold He lay upon the highway's edge His body was stiff and cold I bet he never saw the car Careening through the snow The lights shone brightly

I Am Santa Claus Bob Rivers

I am Santa Claus Ho ho ho ho ho Flying Through the snow Can you hear him ho ho ho He's so full of cheer only has to work one day a year Children in their beds Visions of sugar plums fill their heads

Getting Fatter All The Time Bob Rivers

Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round. And lately I can't see my shoes. I hate to admit, but I'm getting fatter, fatter, A little fatter all the time. I can't lose no weight.

Mr. Magoo Bob Rivers

pulled a quick u-turn, And hit a pickup from Montana While plowin' down a fire hydrant too Windshield wipers slappin' time As he committed several traffic crimes This man's like a one man wreckin' crew

A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers

Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry.

When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers

When a man loves a chicken He can't keep his mind on nothin' else, He stay in the barn for the good thing he's found. If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong.

There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis Bob Rivers

There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis The King of Rock and Roll Take a look at the double chin He's weighing about 310 With golden chains and sequined belt below There's a Santa who looks a lot like

The Twelve Pains Of Christmas Bob Rivers

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry husband: Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree

Pokemon Bob Rivers

[Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of money mon mon mon Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of Money mon mon mon mon We got to find a pokemon Before it's Christmas Eve The kids must have a Pikachu It's called I do

Minimum Wage Bob Rivers

I'd like a Spiffy Burger with low fat cheese and an order of seasoned curly fries but only if they're cooked in virgin peanut oil. -Ummm, $7.42 at the second window. Drive through please.

I'm A Weight Watcher Bob Rivers

I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a Weight Watcher, Watchin' food go by. My, my, my. I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a plate watcher. Here comes a cream pie Mmmm, mmm, mmm.

Homeless On the Holidays Bob Rivers

Oh there’s food for the homeless on the holidays Cause no matter how filthy or uncombed If you’re down on your luck you can really graze For the holidays we throw those bums a bone I met a man who drank

Carol Of The Bartenders Bob Rivers

Hark all they got Tales seem to flow Gin tinkling More Chardonnay Christmas is here Drinking the cheer Ice cubes are cold More Cuervo Gold Don't be a dink Watch what you drink Don't be a dork Don't pop

Christmas Party Song Bob Rivers

It's Christmas time and I'm in trouble Got too drunk at the company affair Sat on the copier, wore no apparel Did it on a dare Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger Pinched his butt poured beer

Bowel Moves Bob Rivers

I was a little too stuffed, had to lose a few pounds, Pants too tight, seams bustin' out. Just had a big burrito with beans and rice, Salsa on top, with some extra spice, Lots of extra spice.

Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers

Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong? Who stood the wood Where I poop-she-poop-she-poop? Who put the stick Up my hipty-dipty-dip? Who was that man?

Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers

Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. And it took me by surprise I must say When I found out the Pope was gay. I read it in the tabloids. Elvis Presley's doing just fine.

Officer Fuhrman Bob Rivers

Officer Fuhrman driving through Brentwood At night with a glove in his bag, his evidence bag. Waits at the Bronco; opens the window To leave a few drops on the floor, a smudge on the door.

Youll Accompny Me Bob Seger

A gypsy wind is blowing warm tonight The sky is starlit and the time is right And still you're telling me you have to go Before you leave there's something you should know Yeah something you should

Middle Age Waistline Bob Rivers

I don't need to diet To prove I'm light And I don't peel the skin off of my chicken Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Deep fry Don't exercise And grow that middle age waistline It salivates my glands To smell a

The Twisted Chipmunk Song Bob Rivers

Christmas, Christmas time is near Time for toys and time for cheer We've been good, but we can't last Hurry Christmas, hurry fast Want a plane that loops the loop Me, I want a hula hoop We can hardly stand

Jingle Hells Bells Bob Rivers

Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Like Guns N Roses with Axel Rose spittin' Ozzie's black eyes and the bats that he's bitten Big Marshall stacks and a broken E-string These are a few of my favorite things Ho Ho Ho Penthouse

Spinning Reel Bob Rivers

(Spinning Wheel - Blood, Sweat & Tears) Rod goes up Line goes out Spinning reel Fishing for trout Casting toward the bubbles and you reel it in Hook a speckled rainbow watch the spinning reel spin You

There's Another Santa Claus Bob Rivers

Santa Claus There's another Santa Claus there Everywhere you look you can't escape There's Santas everywhere Bells are ringing, children screaming Something doesn't seem right His beard is gray, that's a

Manger 6 Bob Rivers

We know you have been traveling a lot this holiday season and you've probably been told there is no room at the Inn. Well, that's just not the case here at Manger 6.

I Used To Rock And Roll All Night Bob Rivers

It covers up a buncha wrinkled skin. You bring the bread, We'll make the gravy. You keep on standin', We'll keep on singin. I used to rock and roll all night But now my hair's turning gray.

Wrong Foot Amputated Bob Rivers

Wrong foot amputated He got the wrong foot amputated The doctor had compassion he tried to cure my disease I was sweating on the way to the op room gave me sedatives to put me at ease They put me on a

The Chimney Song Bob Rivers

That there's something in the chimney and it doesn't make a sound, But I wish you Merry Christmas.

It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year Bob Rivers

the mall It's the heav-heaviest season of all There'll be turkeys for basting and stuffing for tasting and giblets and gravy will flow there'll be cookies that mom baked and leftover fruit cake from a

OJ's Trial Thing Bob Rivers

Nobody uses a cellular phone 20 feet away from their house. Come on! O.J., How much did you pay Rosa? And now you're going to hell and some loser named Kato has a career.

Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire Bob Rivers

Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove Help to make them seasoned right Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat Will really hit the spot tonight And now when Santa sees his tray (Ho ho ho ho ho

Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear Bob Rivers

In the store, there's a teddy. With little straps, like spagetti. It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night. Walking around in womens underwear In the office there's a guy named Melvin.

Decorations Bob Rivers

I love the colored lights every year And the way the neighbors stop their cars and stare I strap a Santa Claus on my roof Plastic candy canes and reindeer everywhere I'm stringin' up decorations It's straining

He's So Jolly Bob Rivers

nose, glowing Bringing our favorite frosty cat right back safe again, so Deck those trees, fellas Leave out some milk and cheese, fellas Jolly Saint Nick is coming your way, Jolly Saint Nick is riding a

Grahbe Yahbalz Bob Rivers

Whipple fa la la la la la la la la la You’ll always get a big reaction fa la la la la la la la la la If you grab your balls like Michael Jackson fa la la la la la la la la la Merry Christmas Bubbles Grab

Sparkling In The Sand Tower Of Power

When God made you He had a lot to do In a day or two You were my dreams come true Soul searching eyes I visualize A girl with heaven in her soul If only you were mine We'd have a mellow time A pickin'

Wreck The Malls Bob Rivers

with their muzak system Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la Trade something for Twisted Sister Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Wreck the pet store, do some damage Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Send the beagles on a

All You Need Is Elves Bob Rivers

Elves, elves, elves Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a 64-bit video system out of wood? Ho, ho, let me tell you, it ain't easy. No kidding! Tell me about it!

O Little Town Of Bethlehem Bob Rivers

"Oh little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lieAbove thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go byYet in thy dark streets shineth, the everlasting lightThe hopes and fears of all the ...

We Wish You Weren't Living With Us Bob Rivers

"We wish you weren't living with usWe wish you weren't living with usWe wish you weren't living with usWe're not happy you're hereYou drive everybody crazyYou're hopelessly fat and lazyYou're const...

O Come All Ye Grateful Dead-Heads Bob Rivers

"Oh come all ye GratefulDeadheads to the concertOh come Grateful DeadheadsAnd camp in the streetBring rolling papersDon't forget your sleeping bagsOh come get us some floor seatsWe followed them fo...

Joy To The World Bob Rivers

The Lord has comeLet earth receive her KingLet every heart prepare Him roomAnd heaven and nature singAnd heaven and nature singAnd heaven and heaven and nature singJoy to the worldThe Lord has come...

Bob Dylan Blues Syd Barrett

Got the Bob Dylan blues And the Bob Dylan shoes And my clothes and my hair's in a mess But you know I just couldn't care less Gonna write me a song 'bout what's right and what's wrong Got God and my girl