Homeless On the Holidays Bob Rivers

Oh there’s food for the homeless on the holidays Cause no matter how filthy or uncombed If you’re down on your luck you can really graze For the holidays we throw those bums a bone I met a man who drank

Christmas Party Song Bob Rivers

It's Christmas time and I'm in trouble Got too drunk at the company affair Sat on the copier, wore no apparel Did it on a dare Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger Pinched his butt poured beer

Flu Ride Bob Rivers

Just hear those noses snifflin' Sore throats ticklin' too Come on it's lousy weather To be sufferin' inside with the flu Outside the snow is fallin' Your fever's at 102 Let's take some Alka-Seltzer And

Wrong Foot Amputated Bob Rivers

Wrong foot amputated Wrong foot amputated He got the wrong foot amputated The doctor had compassion he tried to cure my disease I was sweating on the way to the op room gave me sedatives to put me at ease

Bowel Moves Bob Rivers

Just had a big burrito with beans and rice, Salsa on top, with some extra spice, Lots of extra spice.

Minimum Wage Bob Rivers

-Ummm, $7.42 at the second window. Drive through please. I work on a deep fryer, at a fast food chain And my employers, Crack the whip and the chains But what do I get, For my pay?

I Used To Rock And Roll All Night Bob Rivers

You loved us when the band was hot. And now we're gonna give it one more shot. We're gettin' old, We must be crazy. We're puttin' on the makeup again. It covers up a buncha wrinkled skin.

Beat Up Old Jetliner Bob Rivers

Goodbye to all my friends I've known And the travel agent I trusted. I'm riding along on this beat-up old plane; Look out the window. All the rivets are rusted.

Officer Fuhrman Bob Rivers

He likes to frame the colored people. Officer Fuhrman driving through Brentwood At night with a glove in his bag, his evidence bag.

How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers

Lately all the songs I write Are slow and on the mellow side. I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me.

Spinning Reel Bob Rivers

(Spinning Wheel - Blood, Sweat & Tears) Rod goes up Line goes out Spinning reel Fishing for trout Casting toward the bubbles and you reel it in Hook a speckled rainbow watch the spinning reel spin You

Wreck The Malls Bob Rivers

"Wreck the malls this Christmas season Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Blow your cash for no good reason Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Push your charge card to the limit Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la Checkbook

Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear Bob Rivers

"Lacey things, the wife is missing. Didn't ask, for her permission I'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose. Walking around in women's underwear. In the store, there's a teddy.

Getting Fatter All The Time Bob Rivers

I'm getting fatter all the time. I used to be size 32 and I never gave. My jeans used to fit, I looked cool. Now I'm not the same. Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round.

The Angel Bob Rivers

The angel rides with hunch-backed children, poison oozing from his engine Wieldin' love as a lethal weapon, on his way to hubcap heaven Baseball cards poked in his spokes, his boots in oil he's patiently

Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers

Magical shorts that disappear Buy your loved one this Noël The kind of gift he can't resell Because it kind of smells If someone else has tried it on Thong! You could be dancing cheek to cheek Thong!

When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers

When a man loves a chicken He can't keep his mind on nothin' else, He stay in the barn for the good thing he's found. If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong.

He's So Jolly Bob Rivers

He's so jolly Santa's so jolly Christmas night he's in his sled where he belongs You're looking great, Santa Lost some weight, Santa Red cheeks glowing, ho-ho-ho'ing, you keep growing strong I feel the

Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire Bob Rivers

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Hot sauce dripping from their toes (Oh! That tickles!) Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir They poked hot skewers through their nose (Ow!

O Come All Ye Grateful Dead-Heads Bob Rivers

"Oh come all ye Grateful Deadheads to the concert Oh come Grateful Deadheads And camp in the street Bring rolling papers Don't forget your sleeping bags Oh come get us some floor seats We followed them

There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis Bob Rivers

There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis The King of Rock and Roll Take a look at the double chin He's weighing about 310 With golden chains and sequined belt below There's a Santa who looks a lot like

O Little Town Of Bethlehem Bob Rivers

"Oh little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by Yet in thy dark streets shineth, the everlasting light The hopes and fears of all the years

OJ's Trial Thing Bob Rivers

You gave the devil the ball, you whore. O.J. You love it! O.J., O.J. Well, we've all had enough O.J. coverage in our lives.

Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers

I'd like to find the guy Who done me wrong And stuck my butt up On this Christmas tree. Who put the stump In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump? Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong?

Mr. Magoo Bob Rivers

Got a flat in Timbuktu Waiting for AAA And I saw that single headlight through the rain Flagged the geezer in the car down, He was going the wrong way We sped away and left rubber on all four lanes He

Decorations Bob Rivers

I love the colored lights every year And the way the neighbors stop their cars and stare I strap a Santa Claus on my roof Plastic candy canes and reindeer everywhere I'm stringin' up decorations It's straining

Manger 6 Bob Rivers

We know you have been traveling a lot this holiday season and you've probably been told there is no room at the Inn. Well, that's just not the case here at Manger 6.

We Wish You Weren't Living With Us Bob Rivers

weren't living with us We wish you weren't living with us We wish you weren't living with us We're not happy you're here You drive everybody crazy You're hopelessly fat and lazy You're constantly in the

There's Another Santa Claus Bob Rivers

Something doesn't seem right His beard is gray, that's a nice toupee But his eyebrows oughta be white There's another Santa Claus There's another Santa Claus There's another Santa Claus there One at the

Jingle Hells Bells Bob Rivers

Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Like Guns N Roses with Axel Rose spittin' Ozzie's black eyes and the bats that he's bitten Big Marshall stacks and a broken E-string These are a few of my favorite things Ho Ho Ho Penthouse

I'm A Weight Watcher Bob Rivers

Couldn't reacy my toes To put my shoes on. But now I'm 28, I'm big, fat, and overweight. I've got a new pastime to chew on. I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a plate watcher. Watchin' food go by, My, my, my.

Joy To The World Bob Rivers

The Lord has come Let earth receive her King Let every heart prepare Him room And heaven and nature sing And heaven and nature sing And heaven and heaven and nature sing Joy to the world The Lord has come

It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year Bob Rivers

It's the most fattening time of the year With that pumpkin pie filling and everyone swilling down eggnog and beer It's the most fattening time of the year It's the lip smackingest season of all while your

The Chimney Song Bob Rivers

That there's something in the chimney and it doesn't make a sound, But I wish you Merry Christmas.

Carol Of The Bartenders Bob Rivers

Hark all they got Tales seem to flow Gin tinkling More Chardonnay Christmas is here Drinking the cheer Ice cubes are cold More Cuervo Gold Don't be a dink Watch what you drink Don't be a dork Don't pop

The Twelve Pains Of Christmas Bob Rivers

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry husband: Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree

Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers

Was waiting in line at the grocery store. Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. And it took me by surprise I must say When I found out the Pope was gay. I read it in the tabloids.

I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer Bob Rivers

I came upon a roadkill deer A sorrowful sight to behold He lay upon the highway's edge His body was stiff and cold I bet he never saw the car Careening through the snow The lights shone brightly

Middle Age Waistline Bob Rivers

(Baba O'Riley - The Who) I eat Mrs.

A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers

Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry.

Foreigners Bob Rivers

Hey, we want to be Americans, But we're illegal aliens, And we really like it here, Though we don't speak the language clear. Foreigners... Stamping out our unions, (What do you mean, man?)

Free As A Turd Bob Rivers

It's a piece of crap to me Can hardly hear the words... Whatever happened to, The rights to Love me Do? We made Michael Jackson one rich mother.

I Am Santa Claus Bob Rivers

I am Santa Claus Ho ho ho ho ho Flying Through the snow Can you hear him ho ho ho He's so full of cheer only has to work one day a year Children in their beds Visions of sugar plums fill their heads

The Twisted Chipmunk Song Bob Rivers

Christmas, Christmas time is near Time for toys and time for cheer We've been good, but we can't last Hurry Christmas, hurry fast Want a plane that loops the loop Me, I want a hula hoop We can hardly stand

Pokemon Bob Rivers

[Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of money mon mon mon Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of Money mon mon mon mon We got to find a pokemon Before it's Christmas Eve The kids must have a Pikachu It's called I do

All You Need Is Elves Bob Rivers

Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Santa doesn't shop at Toys "R" Us Doesn't have to fight the Christmas rush He's never out of stock of even the hardest toys and games It's easy

Holidays Conan Gray

I'm too cold and I'm too tired to speak All my youth I never knew That life would ever change But we keep on growing Didn't think it'd show But I see it on your face That years have passed, but you laugh

Homeless Hans Theessink

When the weatherman says sunshine but the beams don't touch your window-sill When the weatherman says sunshine and the beams don't never touch your window-sill You know the good times didn't get you

Holidays The Roches

She's the kind of girl who pays for herself And the money don't come rolling in Been living here outside of fifteen years Say how do you do, where does she begin?

Homeless Charlie Wilson

Girl I'm a be out on the streets if I ain't with you! You ain't see me on the corner of the streets starin with a cup in my hand holdin a sign up say that I'm homeless...