What am I supposed to do?
Can I be a friend and honest to myself too?
Well, it's not what I want--
it wasn't any consious choice.
I've spent more time fighting it
and when I do that I'm doubly hit.
I'm so nice but not just right.
I don't know why I even fight.
I wish I could get it through:
"I'm the right one for you!"
At least, I think so. That's how I feel..
But I couldn't be, not with the way I've acted.
Wish I could sit on my heart and get the feelings compacted.
I've pursued this one for so long..so long..
it felt so right I never considered I that might be wrong.
I'm not being realistic; I need to pack up and go on.
I'm creating these problems within myself:
I've ignored my own feelings for how I want to feel.
I haven't considered that she doesn't secretly want me..
that's the thing.
I haven't allowed her any freedom, allowed her to be herself.
The person who I love is only in my mind,
put on the highest pedastle I could find.
And it's not that I curse because it's so tall,
it's that I relish the pain every time I fall.
I don't even love her. No.
If only I could say that honestly so.